CPAC Causes Liberal Bliss

The presidential election of 2012 was a long, hard fought road. There were several times when liberals had good reason to worry. With all the changes at the top of the Republican primaries we had endure thoughts of a President Bachmann, President Perry, President Gingrich, President Cain, President Santorum and perhaps scariest of all… President Trump! Once the GOP settled on Romney, we thought we were home free… until the first presidential debate. Then, no lefty was laughing until the evening of Nov 7th. At that point, liberals had a chance to breathe a sigh of relief… we had defeated the GOP spin machine and could rest easy knowing that Obama had another four years and the Republican Party was in disarray. That’s when all the talk of “changing demographics” and “rebranding” the Republican Party started to come from everywhere. Rational people were trying to tell the Republicans that they needed to change their evil ways if they wanted to win the White House in 2016. Surely four years would be plenty of time to right the wrongs of the right. I was starting to worry, until CPAC 2013. That’s when I realized that “C.P.A.C.” must stand for “Conservative Politicians Against Change”. The conservative wing of the GOP has learned nothing from 2012 and is destine to repeat their mistakes. Let’s break down some of the breakdowns at CPAC 2013…

 

Rick Santorum says:

“Marriage is a union between a man and woman that’s unique in nature. You can’t consummate any other marriage because nothing else is a construct in nature… It’s an important building block of society for people to come together and have children and raise them on the solid platform with a father and mother.”

 

Lefty Liberal Says:

The GOP has a tradition of nominating whoever is next in line, meaning whoever was #2 in the last Republican primary. So it’s very possible that Rick Santorum could be the next Republican nominee for President. A new poll says that 58% of Americans are in favor of marriage equality. Can you win a national election when you have only 42% of the vote? Instead of shying away from something that could keep him out of the White House, he shines it up and wears it like a badge of honor.

 

 

Sarah Palin says:

“Now is the time to furlough the consultants, and tune out the pollsters, send the focus groups home, and toss the political scripts, because if we truly know what we believe, we don’t need professionals to tell us.”

 

Lefty Liberal Says:

GOP… Now is not the time to “go rogue” and ignore the professionals, unless you want to end up unemployed and out of elected office like Sarah Palin.

 

 

Scott Walker Says:

“This president and his allies’ measure success in government by how many people are dependent on the government … We measure success in government by just the opposite, by how many people are no longer dependent upon the government”

 

Lefty Liberal Says:

Romney & Ryan had no success with this “takers vs. makers” argument in 2012, but Governor Walker didn’t get that memo. They say that “old dogs can’t learn new tricks”… apparently elephants have the same problem.

 

 

Jeb Bush Says:

“All too often we’re associated with being ‘anti’ everythingWay too many people believe Republicans are anti-immigrant, anti-woman, anti-science, anti-gay, anti-worker, and the list goes on and on and on.”

 

Lefty Liberal Says:

That’s all correct and CPAC is why. Republicans have to run so far to the right in the primaries to appease the CPAC crowd, that they alienate the rest of the country for the general election. Keep it up and the next time the GOP will see the White House is on a tour… assuming the current Republican hierarchy ever gets out of the way so we can resume those.

 

 

Ann Coulter Says:

“Even CPAC had to cut back on its speakers this year, about 300 pounds”

 

Lefty Liberal Says:

Leave it to Ann Coulter to keep it classy and attack Chris Christie. In a country with an obesity problem, fat jokes may not go over well with the masses (no pun intended).  It’s always a good idea to encourage in-fighting and undermine the best chance the GOP has at the White House in 2016.

 

 

Marco Rubio Says:

 ”Just because I believe that states should have the right to define marriage in a traditional way does not make me a bigot”

 

Lefty Liberal Says:

“Bigot” is a strong word since we’ve never heard any gay “slurs” from him, but he’s definitely prejudice against gay people and out of touch with the majority of Americans. I’m not sure that “prejudice, but not bigoted” is a good campaign slogan.

 

 

Donald Trump Says:

“Our country is in very, very serious trouble… likewise the Republican Party is in serious trouble.”

 

Lefty Liberal Says:

“The Donald” is correct; the GOP is in serious trouble… in part because they keep a lunatic like “The Donald” as part of their brain trust. Until they disavow the extreme element of their public perception (I’m looking at Rush & Hannity too), normal Americans will always reject them. After all, if you show up to a party and there’s a bunch of crazy people on the front lawn shouting conspiracy theories, you’re not going in to see if there’s any sane people hiding in the back. You just move onto the party next door…

 

 

Rick Perry Says:

“The popular media narrative is that this country has shifted away from conservative ideas, as evidence by the last two presidential elections. That’s what they think, that’s what they say. That might be true if Republicans had actually nominated conservative candidates in 2008 and 2012.”

 

Lefty Liberal Says:

Sure, the GOP needs to be MORE conservative. It’s good to see that Rick Perry’s poor memory includes the election of 2012. If the GOP decides to be even more conservative, they should save the money on 2016 attack ads and instead spend the money on buying Hillary Clinton a new outfit for her inauguration.

 

 

An audience member yells:

“Get a Facelift!” when Hillary Clinton is brought up

 

Lefty Liberal Says:

Nothing wins over women voters like furthering the stereotype that you only value them for their looks. Conservatives have a habit of shooting off their mouths, which ends up shooting themselves in the foot. That should be no surprise, since Dick Cheney already taught us all that conservatives have terrible aim.

 

Rand Paul

Rand Paul Says:

“The GOP of old has grown stale and moss-covered,”

 

 

Lefty Liberal Says:

That’s ironic, coming from the guy who literally looks like he has a moss-covered head. But seriously, if Republicans embraced new ideas, they would just be called Democrats.

 

 

Mitt Romney Says:

“It’s fashionable in some circles to be pessimistic about America, about conservative solutions, about the Republican Party… I utterly reject pessimism. We may have lost Nov. 7, but we have not lost the country we love, and we have not lost our way.”

 

Lefty Liberal Says:

Sure, take it from the Captain of the Titanic when he tells you that it’s clear sailing ahead. Mitt just crashed the Republican ship into the iceberg and is telling everyone “we’ve arrived at our destination… who wants to go swimming?”

 

The GOP is being told that they have a chance to take the Titanic off the iceberg and keep on sailing. But all the would-be captains at CPAC seem intent on trying to ram through the iceberg over & over until they win or their ship is sunk. But they don’t seem to realize that the water is already up to their eyeballs. But don’t get complacent liberals, the GOP has time to fire up a whole new spin machine and this country has a short enough attention span for it to work. Plus, the Republicans best chance at winning in 2016 is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and he wasn’t invited to the CPAC circus. He should consider himself very lucky.

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